Somehow at the age of 51 I had, somewhat naively expected to be done with the teenage angst and pains of lost love...... it seems not. 2008 came in with a cold wind of change for me, and just as in Joni Mitchell's song ... ' as one loves more and more will one love less and less' so it was for me.
That heart searing pain of unrequited love followed quickly by the freefall in selfesteem.
It's funny how everything changes so quickly and that emptiness which is a physical pain takes over every moment....and all the questions ... why ...what if ...
Hey we have been very adult and agreed to 'remain friends' ....... even the word friend takes on a new and bitter meaning.
Now I must rebuild myself and my heart. I know it will be a hard slog, but I have no choice. So what next ?
I have been spending more time with my sons, this has proved to be something I had in fact missed, just having a laugh and passing time together.
I am reading ...... another passtime that had been neglected. A Thousand Splendid Suns was fantastic reading, a Xmas gift from Andy my son.
I have painted my kitchen and feel good about that chore accomplished. I have changed the lightfitting in the bedroom, all the little jobs that were put to the side so I could nurture a love that did not grow.
I am growing stronger every day ....... relapses of pain are still common, but they last for shorter times.
I am waiting for the post and hopefully an interview with Stirling Uni to do a return to Midwifery course which will occupy my mind and body for a while.
Wish me luck.
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